Posts Tagged ‘summer of lebron’

Fly on the wall. Day 2…

Friday, July 2nd, 2010

Miami Pitch:

LeBron: Uhmmm… Hi.

Riley: What? Oh. You’re wondering about my hair, aren’t you. I had it permed, you dig? It was done by the same salon that styles Kourtney Kardashian’s bush. I figure this season you, me, Wade and Bosh, can all be fro bros.

LeBron: I’m not sure whether to laugh or be offended, so I’m gonna do both.

LeBron chuckles while shaking his head in anger.

Riley: Well, I had to stop using the grease one way or another. Between you and me, the oil that’s starting to hit the Florida coast isn’t from the BP debacle. It’s cuz I went swimming in Ft Lauderdale.

LeBron: I don’t know how I should respond to that.

Riley: You don’t have to say anything. You know why, because the surprise I have for you puts a hairstyle change to shame. Let me introduce to you Mr. Miami himself, Will Smith!

Will: Yo, Yo Yo. Welcome to Miami, Bienvenido a Miami!

LeBron: We’re in Cleveland.

Will: Well, it’s nice to meet you anyhow, playa.

LeBron: We’ve met. My girlfriend made me take her to one of your awful shows on her birthday.

Will: Say what? You must’ve left before I sang “Summertime.”

LeBron: Nope.

Will: Just the Two of Us?

LeBron: Sadly, I caught that one too.

Will: That shitty song from the Wild Wild West soundtrack?

LeBron: Why’d you do it, Will? Why’d you leave DJ Jazzy Jeff?

Will: What are you kidding, my career has exploded since I left Jeff!

LeBron: Torturous movies co-starring Kevin James? Is that really the legacy you want to leave behind.

Will: Yeah. I… I mean. No. (eyes welling) I don’t know where it all went wrong. I should’ve followed my heart and never given into the media hype. (bawling) Don’t ever forget where you came from, man. I gotta call, Jeff.”

Will leaves room.

Riley: He’s right. Don’t ever forget where you’re from. Where are you from again?

LeBron: Here.

Riley: Oh. Well. Uh, it’s cool to like forget for a few years. Just not forever, you know.

LeBron: Goodbye.

Riley: Wait. What if Will agrees to let you be in Bad Boys 3?

LeBron: Goodbye.

Riley: Or you could pair up with Will’s son and ruin another 80’s classic. Maybe Breakfast Club. What do you think?

LeBron puts his headphones on.

Riley: LeBron. Okay, that’s cool. Start working on that bro fro though. Hey, that’s three rhymes, did you hear me?

LeBron is bobbing his head to hip hop beats.

Riley: Alright. I’ll tweet ya.

Clippers Pitch:

Neil Olshey: Where is he?

Andy Roeser: I don’t know. I hear he’s shown up late to a couple of these things. So just be patient.

Neil Olshey: Makes sense. But where’s Sterling?

Andy Roeser: He wasn’t comfortable spending the money on a third plane ticket.

Neil Olshey: But he’s the owner!

Waitress: So did you guys want to order anything, or will it just be the coffees?

Neil Olshey: We’re on a tight budget.

Andy Roeser: Sorry.

Neil Olshey: So did he tell every team to meet him at the Denny’s
in Parma?

Andy Roeser: I don’t know. Sterling canceled my data plan.

An awkward silence ensues.

Neil Olshey: Where is he?

If you were a fly on the wall today…

Thursday, July 1st, 2010

New Jersey’s Pitch:

Prokhorov: First, let me apologize if I do anything, how you say, inappropriate. You see, in mother Russia, such business dealings are often solved by choking the man across the table from you. I’m told, I shouldn’t do that here, yes?

LeBron: I’d prefer you didn’t.

Prokhorov: Very, well. I can’t tell you enough of about how I am improving the, what you call, facility, in New Jersey. Mostly, because my English, what you call, vocabulary is limited. What I can tell you is that it’s a lot like the training sequence in what you call, Rocky 4. Except this time, the Russian wins and, uh… the black guy doesn’t die. Sound good?

LeBron: Yeah. I guess.

Prokhorov: Great. Then all we have to work out is your salary. I was thinking I would pay you the way I pay my men in Mother Russia… with a lifetime supply of Stolichnaya Vodka, and a copy of the Russian techno sensation, Solnyshko’s latest EP. Deal?

LeBron: I was thinking more about a max contract of 16.1 million.

Jay-Z: What if I threw in a night with Beyonce’?

LeBron: Doesn’t she have a major ass-sweat condition?

Jay-Z: Define major.

LeBron: We’ll let you know.

New York Pitch:

D’Antoni: Okay, LeBron. Uhmmmm. I really should’ve prepared more, for this moment. Dang. I gotta be honest, we’ve been campaigning for the last 3 years, and I’m exhausted. Here, look at this picture my kid made of you in a Knicks jersey.

LeBron: Okay. I think I’ve seen this one already.

D’Antoni: Yeah, it’s been really popular. He used Photoshop. You can hardly even tell it’s fake. Can you? You ever use Photosh…

Bloomberg: C’mon LeBron!

D’Antoni: Hey. You said you were gonna let me do the talking, mayor! Knew I should’ve brought Trump. Speaking of which, LeBron, Donald said he might be able to pull some strings and get you onto next season’s Celebrity Apprentice. Does that interest you? Solving little marketing challenges with Brett Michaels and stuff… (begins singing) “Win Big, Momma’s Fallen…”

LeBron: (interrupts) No thanks.

Bloomberg: C’mon, LeBron! Write the next chapter in Brett Michael’s history!

D’Antoni: Shut up, Mayor.

LeBron: You guys are more annoying than Kings of Leon fans…

D’Antoni: Would it help if I offered you a mustache ride?

LeBron: I think we’re done here.

Bloomberg: (as door slams shut) C’mon LeBr…

Why you won’t get him, no matter what the media tells you…

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

Let’s attack this in order of hype:

You’re a team on the rise. You’ve got the cap room. You’ve got a rich history. And that history is your fatal flaw. MJ may have been the greatest ever, and no man who’s seeking a comparable legacy would want to play under all those championship flags next to the banner bearing his former number… retired.

I’m not going to lie. I think that outside of the incumbent, you’ve got the best chance of landing LeBron. However, you’ve also got delusions. Delusions that three of the best players in the league are going to take a paycut to win. Delusions of Bosh being willing to play center. You also have Khloe’ Kardashian. A beast of a man-woman so terrifying, Lamar Odom has to carry a rape whistle.

New Jersey.
You were the worst team last year. Almost the worst team ever. Do you really think that one player, no matter how talented, can turn all that around? Even if you get two marquee players. I still have my doubts.

New York.
You’re not good. Even when you were good, you still weren’t that good. Call it karma. You can’t buy your way to the world series year after year and expect not to be punished during basketball season.

I can’t keep up. First you’re in. Then you’re out. You’re like the Ross Perot of the free agency race. Your squad is almost as old too. They say you’re a dark horse (cute pun). I’d say you’re a unicorn in this race. Ie; nonexistant. PS: I live in Dallas, and If there’s any truth to the rumor that LeBron wants to be in a world-class city, sorry, but you aren’t one. Get your sports stadiums downtown, and we’ll talk.

L.A. (Clippers)
Are you kidding? Do I even have to write this one? Okay… You have a cheap owner who doesn’t want to win. Or sell.