Posts Tagged ‘lebron james’

Taking his talents to South Beach

Friday, July 9th, 2010

Last night, I heard what everyone else did. But before writing, I decided to sleep on things. Although writing my final submission in a state of semi-coherent alcoholic rage would surely have proven entertaining, I feared I would write something I would regret. Or at minimum, something trite.

The anger. The betrayal. The ego-driven, weeklong circus. Even Gilbert’s bitter letter. These are all angles, albeit valid ones, that have been covered ad nauseam. In effort to go out on an insightful note, I asked myself, “What hasn’t been said?” Then, somewhere between shaving my Beard for Bron and discarding the bobbleheads in my cubicle, it hit me. LeBron James is not a Clevelander.

He never was. And no. I’m not drawing a geographical line between Cleveland and Akron. I consider everyone in northeastern Ohio to be a Clevelander. Well, not everyone. You see, there’s a certain breed of people. A psyche. A character trait (or flaw, I would argue) that causes one to never fully-embrace his/her surroundings. To never live in the now. To always look to the future, move about, and dream distorted dreams of what’s next. These people never truly have a home.

They’re called vessels. And they’re as real as you and me, only they’re empty inside. Walking around, living life, just going with the flow. Their decisions are based not upon morals, ethics, or even rational thought. Rather, their choices are made for them by the current. Trends. The status quo. The opinions of everyone but themselves.

You’ve met them. They’re the Hollywood elite preaching about global issues after reading one article. They’re the 30-something guys at your office who spit out timely slang terms like “sick”, “cougar”, and “Don’t taze me, bro.” They’re the kids you went to high school with, who wore ball caps and jerseys supporting not local sports teams, but the faraway teams with more money and success. Sound familiar?

LeBron James is a vessel. A shell of a man who can’t offer the world much besides flashy slam-dunks. His heart, maturity, and well-spoken manner had us mesmerized. Sadly, each was an illusion manufactured by a very talented PR team.

If you believe the hype that at the end of the day, this was ultimately LeBron’s decision, then you’re as foolish as I was last night around 9:29, when I believed against my better judgment that a guy like LeBron would ultimately do the right thing. In reality, “The Decision” was made by Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Pat Riley, and all the St. Vincent St. Mary parasites that surround LeBron. It was made in the name of partying at that one club from Scarface, rather than doing right by one’s hometown.

LeBron James doesn’t get it, and never will. How could he? A man can’t understand the pain and suffering Cleveland fans have endured when he’s never attached himself to Cleveland sports. Nor can he reap the benefits of such disappointment (modesty, thick skin, character) when hasn’t emotionally invested himself into anything. LeBron had the opportunity to do something great and unprecedented in the city of Cleveland. Instead, he chose to do something ordinary that in the end will hurt the sport of basketball.

But you can’t blame him. No. This really wasn’t his choice. LeBron James is a vessel. And that ship has sailed.

Why you won’t get him, no matter what the media tells you…

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

Let’s attack this in order of hype:

You’re a team on the rise. You’ve got the cap room. You’ve got a rich history. And that history is your fatal flaw. MJ may have been the greatest ever, and no man who’s seeking a comparable legacy would want to play under all those championship flags next to the banner bearing his former number… retired.

I’m not going to lie. I think that outside of the incumbent, you’ve got the best chance of landing LeBron. However, you’ve also got delusions. Delusions that three of the best players in the league are going to take a paycut to win. Delusions of Bosh being willing to play center. You also have Khloe’ Kardashian. A beast of a man-woman so terrifying, Lamar Odom has to carry a rape whistle.

New Jersey.
You were the worst team last year. Almost the worst team ever. Do you really think that one player, no matter how talented, can turn all that around? Even if you get two marquee players. I still have my doubts.

New York.
You’re not good. Even when you were good, you still weren’t that good. Call it karma. You can’t buy your way to the world series year after year and expect not to be punished during basketball season.

I can’t keep up. First you’re in. Then you’re out. You’re like the Ross Perot of the free agency race. Your squad is almost as old too. They say you’re a dark horse (cute pun). I’d say you’re a unicorn in this race. Ie; nonexistant. PS: I live in Dallas, and If there’s any truth to the rumor that LeBron wants to be in a world-class city, sorry, but you aren’t one. Get your sports stadiums downtown, and we’ll talk.

L.A. (Clippers)
Are you kidding? Do I even have to write this one? Okay… You have a cheap owner who doesn’t want to win. Or sell.

Silver linings

Sunday, June 27th, 2010

This could turn out to be the worst summer in history. Worse than the Summer of Sam. Worse than that shitty “Summer Lovin” song from Grease. And worse even than Nicole Eggert’s acting when she played “Summer” on Baywatch. (Shout-out to the Hoff.)

Now, I’m still 52% sure LeBron’s staying. But that percentage is diminishing by the day. With every “absolutely” LBJ utters, and every reference to World Wide Wes’ lame-ass nickname, World Wide Wes. So in being responsible adults, I urge you to prep for the pain you may endure upon abandonment.

And what’s the best way to do that? Focus on the good times this summer provided us. I mean at least we had the World Cup, right. And wasn’t that a world of fun gang? Two ties, a thrilling 1-0 victory, and a tragic 2-1 defeat. And no hands used ever. Damn, that’s a gripping sport. Gary Coleman scores more than that sport. Present day.

Here’s my impression of soccer… “Oh. Ohh. Ohhhh. Ohhhhhhhh! Oh… He missed.” (Hockey is pretty much the same impression, only you can see my breath while I do it.)

I’d rather watch a child color. Is it possible to bomb a sport? That shit is almost as annoying as its fans.

But at least we had baseball. Right Cleveland? The only sport slower than soccer. That’s right, America, I’m willing to risk the wild mainstream success this site has achieved, in order to call baseball the insomnia cure that it is. Even when I’m watching Major League, I have to fast forward through all the baseball parts.

I know, I know. It’s a thinking man’s game. But you know what else is? Checkers. Doesn’t mean you have to clog the airwaves with it when I could be watching Family Matters reruns.

I know, I know. It’s a big part of American history. Right? But you know what else was? Polio. End it already.

Still, even if we didn’t have a lot of great sports action to enjoy this summer, at least we really excelled the sports available to us. Right, Team USA? Right, Tribe? Oh wait…

LeBron you can’t go, man!!! You just can’t!!!!!… We need good basketball in Cleveland.

10 reasons you can’t leave

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

In descending order for dramatic reasons…

10. History. The greatest players in the history of the league stayed with the same team. Bird, Jordan, Johnson, Kobe… For what it’s worth though, Shawn Bradley did play for 3 teams, plus Germany.

9. Your mother. I don’t believe the Delonte rumors, but either way. She’s your mother, and she doesn’t want you to go. What kind of man hurts his mother?

8. Dan Gilbert. He’s proven he’s willing to spend any amount of money necessary to bring home a winner. He’s also brought in a number of new players that have made the team better each year, even if it you haven’t reached the promised land just yet. His moves in just the last few weeks have demonstrated the same.

7. Money. No team can afford to pay you what Cleveland can. I know it’s not the biggest factor, but we all know it’s always a factor. PS… If it truly isn’t what matters most, a modest pay-cut would allow Gilbert to surround you with the supporting talent you need. PPS: If it helps ease the pain, I can cancel my HBO and send you the extra 10 dollars a month instead.

6. Z. He fell in love with this city and has spent his whole illustrious career here, and he’s not even from U.S.! Even after being traded and being sought after by many another team, his heart remained in C-town.

5. Game 5. Holy shit! You’re really going to play your last home game on that note? Even if the ridiculous Delonte rumor is true, so what? I’ve woken up with horrific head/stomach aches next to women who outweigh me and might have once been men. Guess what, I still went to work and did my job that day. And probably made a little less money for the effort.

4. The rest of the nation. I’m not talking about the cities in the running. I’m talking about those without a horse in the race. Everyone I asked over the course of the last few months during my travels said they were rooting from Cleveland. They called them the feel-good story of the playoffs. They also called the Lakers things that I’m not comfortable repeating on a public site.

3. Popular Opinion. I live in Dallas, and everyone here is chattering about how you’re leaving and coming here (They also voted for Bush twice, so no one said they’re smart). I watch ESPN and they think you’re leaving too. Seems the only way to make your decision interesting and historic is to do the opposite. I keep telling people not to underestimate hometown loyalty. After all, it drove me to spend lots of money and time I didn’t have on making a website.

2. The guy that was sitting next to me at the bar a second ago. No one special. A Dallas fan. But he spoke one kernel of wisdom I couldn’t ignore about the Cowboys of the 80’s (in fact, he compared them to the Browns of today.) “More character is built from standing by a losing squad than watching one win the title.” I completely and begrudgingly agree, but I think the same rule applies to players too. Be patient. And when it comes, the victory will taste that much sweeter.

1. Cleveland. It’s a great town, and most people don’t realize it. You could help change that. And breaking a 46-year sports curse in the process wouldn’t hurt. Think about it: You’re from here, and we have a rich history of never winning the big one. If you could pull it off, they’d make a blockbuster movie about it (shot in Milwaukee). If you win in Miami, Chicago, or New York… maybe Oxygen network. And your girlfriend would be played by one of the girls from Sister Sister. The moral of the story; one Cleveland ring is worth 3 anywhere else.