Posts Tagged ‘Cleveland Cavs’

Fly on the wall. Day 2…

Friday, July 2nd, 2010

Miami Pitch:

LeBron: Uhmmm… Hi.

Riley: What? Oh. You’re wondering about my hair, aren’t you. I had it permed, you dig? It was done by the same salon that styles Kourtney Kardashian’s bush. I figure this season you, me, Wade and Bosh, can all be fro bros.

LeBron: I’m not sure whether to laugh or be offended, so I’m gonna do both.

LeBron chuckles while shaking his head in anger.

Riley: Well, I had to stop using the grease one way or another. Between you and me, the oil that’s starting to hit the Florida coast isn’t from the BP debacle. It’s cuz I went swimming in Ft Lauderdale.

LeBron: I don’t know how I should respond to that.

Riley: You don’t have to say anything. You know why, because the surprise I have for you puts a hairstyle change to shame. Let me introduce to you Mr. Miami himself, Will Smith!

Will: Yo, Yo Yo. Welcome to Miami, Bienvenido a Miami!

LeBron: We’re in Cleveland.

Will: Well, it’s nice to meet you anyhow, playa.

LeBron: We’ve met. My girlfriend made me take her to one of your awful shows on her birthday.

Will: Say what? You must’ve left before I sang “Summertime.”

LeBron: Nope.

Will: Just the Two of Us?

LeBron: Sadly, I caught that one too.

Will: That shitty song from the Wild Wild West soundtrack?

LeBron: Why’d you do it, Will? Why’d you leave DJ Jazzy Jeff?

Will: What are you kidding, my career has exploded since I left Jeff!

LeBron: Torturous movies co-starring Kevin James? Is that really the legacy you want to leave behind.

Will: Yeah. I… I mean. No. (eyes welling) I don’t know where it all went wrong. I should’ve followed my heart and never given into the media hype. (bawling) Don’t ever forget where you came from, man. I gotta call, Jeff.”

Will leaves room.

Riley: He’s right. Don’t ever forget where you’re from. Where are you from again?

LeBron: Here.

Riley: Oh. Well. Uh, it’s cool to like forget for a few years. Just not forever, you know.

LeBron: Goodbye.

Riley: Wait. What if Will agrees to let you be in Bad Boys 3?

LeBron: Goodbye.

Riley: Or you could pair up with Will’s son and ruin another 80’s classic. Maybe Breakfast Club. What do you think?

LeBron puts his headphones on.

Riley: LeBron. Okay, that’s cool. Start working on that bro fro though. Hey, that’s three rhymes, did you hear me?

LeBron is bobbing his head to hip hop beats.

Riley: Alright. I’ll tweet ya.

Clippers Pitch:

Neil Olshey: Where is he?

Andy Roeser: I don’t know. I hear he’s shown up late to a couple of these things. So just be patient.

Neil Olshey: Makes sense. But where’s Sterling?

Andy Roeser: He wasn’t comfortable spending the money on a third plane ticket.

Neil Olshey: But he’s the owner!

Waitress: So did you guys want to order anything, or will it just be the coffees?

Neil Olshey: We’re on a tight budget.

Andy Roeser: Sorry.

Neil Olshey: So did he tell every team to meet him at the Denny’s
in Parma?

Andy Roeser: I don’t know. Sterling canceled my data plan.

An awkward silence ensues.

Neil Olshey: Where is he?

If you were a fly on the wall today…

Thursday, July 1st, 2010

New Jersey’s Pitch:

Prokhorov: First, let me apologize if I do anything, how you say, inappropriate. You see, in mother Russia, such business dealings are often solved by choking the man across the table from you. I’m told, I shouldn’t do that here, yes?

LeBron: I’d prefer you didn’t.

Prokhorov: Very, well. I can’t tell you enough of about how I am improving the, what you call, facility, in New Jersey. Mostly, because my English, what you call, vocabulary is limited. What I can tell you is that it’s a lot like the training sequence in what you call, Rocky 4. Except this time, the Russian wins and, uh… the black guy doesn’t die. Sound good?

LeBron: Yeah. I guess.

Prokhorov: Great. Then all we have to work out is your salary. I was thinking I would pay you the way I pay my men in Mother Russia… with a lifetime supply of Stolichnaya Vodka, and a copy of the Russian techno sensation, Solnyshko’s latest EP. Deal?

LeBron: I was thinking more about a max contract of 16.1 million.

Jay-Z: What if I threw in a night with Beyonce’?

LeBron: Doesn’t she have a major ass-sweat condition?

Jay-Z: Define major.

LeBron: We’ll let you know.

New York Pitch:

D’Antoni: Okay, LeBron. Uhmmmm. I really should’ve prepared more, for this moment. Dang. I gotta be honest, we’ve been campaigning for the last 3 years, and I’m exhausted. Here, look at this picture my kid made of you in a Knicks jersey.

LeBron: Okay. I think I’ve seen this one already.

D’Antoni: Yeah, it’s been really popular. He used Photoshop. You can hardly even tell it’s fake. Can you? You ever use Photosh…

Bloomberg: C’mon LeBron!

D’Antoni: Hey. You said you were gonna let me do the talking, mayor! Knew I should’ve brought Trump. Speaking of which, LeBron, Donald said he might be able to pull some strings and get you onto next season’s Celebrity Apprentice. Does that interest you? Solving little marketing challenges with Brett Michaels and stuff… (begins singing) “Win Big, Momma’s Fallen…”

LeBron: (interrupts) No thanks.

Bloomberg: C’mon, LeBron! Write the next chapter in Brett Michael’s history!

D’Antoni: Shut up, Mayor.

LeBron: You guys are more annoying than Kings of Leon fans…

D’Antoni: Would it help if I offered you a mustache ride?

LeBron: I think we’re done here.

Bloomberg: (as door slams shut) C’mon LeBr…