Fly on the wall. Day 3…

Gilbert: So… you realize you’re from here?

LeBron: I know.

Gilbert: And you’re aware that we’ve had the best record two seasons running?

LeBron: I know.

Gilbert: And you know that we just hired a new coach who, per your request, has a history as an NBA player, coach, and success in the Finals.

LeBron: I know.

Gilbert: Well, here’s something you might not know, and I’m going to let Byron tell you about it.

Byron: Hello, LeBron. I’m happy to have the opportunity to coach you, but I have something for you that ought to make you happier.

LeBron: What might that be?

Byron slowly pulls an object from behind his back, presenting it to LeBron.

Byron: It’s an offensive playbook… More than two pages long.

LeBron’s eyes light up as mysterious harpsichord music begins playing. As LeBron begins to reach for it, he quickly retreats, almost falling backward in his chair.

Byron: Easy, bud. It’s not gonna hurt you. In fact, it can only help you, in ways that you never imagined.

LeBron: Could it… help my marketing company take off?

Byron: It could help you sell Larry Nance T-shirts by the billions if you so choose. Go ahead, touch it.

LeBron cautiously takes it and thumbs through the pages with a wide-eyed childlike grin.

Byron: (slapping LeBron’s hand while taking book back) Easy, kid. I can’t give away all our secrets before you commit to your team.

An awkward silence follows.

Gilbert: Need I remind you we have the best amusement park in the world in Sandusky?

Byron: No joke? Wow. The closest thing we had in LA was catching a ride home with Robert Downey Jr at 4am.

Gilbert: Well, according to my watch it’s about time for us to give the reigns to Michael Jordan’s coattails. But remember what we said. Hometown…

Byron: Playbook.

Gilbert: 30 Million Dollars.

Byron: Discpine.

Gilbert: Millenium Force.

Byron: Robert Downey Jr…

Gilbert: Talk to you soon.

LeBron: Definitely.

Chicago Pitch:

Paxson: Yo, yo, yo. What up, G?

LeBron: Did it just get darker in here?

Paxson: Oh, yeah. That’s us. It’s only the impossible-to-escape shadow of Michael Jordan. It follows us everywhere.

LeBron: Gotcha.

Paxson: Yeah. Luckily, we’ve got MJ here with us today to talk you through any reservations that shadow might cause.

LeBron Really? Cuz that kind of looks like Joakim Noah in blackface?

Paxson: What? You’re acting loco, bro!

LeBron: Don’t call me “bro.”

Paxson: Right. All I’m saying is take off your shades, and take a good look. Are you sure that’ not Jordan?

LeBron: (removing sunglasses) Okay. Now I’m positve that’s Noah in blackface. Which seems odd on many levels. Isn’t he kinda black already?

Paxson: No one really knows.

LeBron: I see.

Paxson: So what do you think, King? You up for the challenge of winning 7 NBA challenges, preferably two of them 3-peats to eclipse Jordan in a town that’s honestly still more about the Cubs despite the horrors of the last century?

LeBron: We’ll let you know.

Paxson: Wait. Did I mention we can spraypaint the number “6’ the Jordan shadow out front if you win the finals? Temporary paint of course. But for one day, that baby’s yours!

LeBron: We’ll let you know.

Add to the Discussion