If you were a fly on the wall today…

New Jersey’s Pitch:

Prokhorov: First, let me apologize if I do anything, how you say, inappropriate. You see, in mother Russia, such business dealings are often solved by choking the man across the table from you. I’m told, I shouldn’t do that here, yes?

LeBron: I’d prefer you didn’t.

Prokhorov: Very, well. I can’t tell you enough of about how I am improving the, what you call, facility, in New Jersey. Mostly, because my English, what you call, vocabulary is limited. What I can tell you is that it’s a lot like the training sequence in what you call, Rocky 4. Except this time, the Russian wins and, uh… the black guy doesn’t die. Sound good?

LeBron: Yeah. I guess.

Prokhorov: Great. Then all we have to work out is your salary. I was thinking I would pay you the way I pay my men in Mother Russia… with a lifetime supply of Stolichnaya Vodka, and a copy of the Russian techno sensation, Solnyshko’s latest EP. Deal?

LeBron: I was thinking more about a max contract of 16.1 million.

Jay-Z: What if I threw in a night with Beyonce’?

LeBron: Doesn’t she have a major ass-sweat condition?

Jay-Z: Define major.

LeBron: We’ll let you know.

New York Pitch:

D’Antoni: Okay, LeBron. Uhmmmm. I really should’ve prepared more, for this moment. Dang. I gotta be honest, we’ve been campaigning for the last 3 years, and I’m exhausted. Here, look at this picture my kid made of you in a Knicks jersey.

LeBron: Okay. I think I’ve seen this one already.

D’Antoni: Yeah, it’s been really popular. He used Photoshop. You can hardly even tell it’s fake. Can you? You ever use Photosh…

Bloomberg: C’mon LeBron!

D’Antoni: Hey. You said you were gonna let me do the talking, mayor! Knew I should’ve brought Trump. Speaking of which, LeBron, Donald said he might be able to pull some strings and get you onto next season’s Celebrity Apprentice. Does that interest you? Solving little marketing challenges with Brett Michaels and stuff… (begins singing) “Win Big, Momma’s Fallen…”

LeBron: (interrupts) No thanks.

Bloomberg: C’mon, LeBron! Write the next chapter in Brett Michael’s history!

D’Antoni: Shut up, Mayor.

LeBron: You guys are more annoying than Kings of Leon fans…

D’Antoni: Would it help if I offered you a mustache ride?

LeBron: I think we’re done here.

Bloomberg: (as door slams shut) C’mon LeBr…

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